I don't live in a negbourhood that when you hear of it, you immediately think of its wide, sunny, tree-lined streets, but it is indeed blessed with wide, sunny, tree-lined streets; and what's more, it's an old neighbourhood, so they are big, full, old trees on our wide, sunny, bumpy, old streets, but even the flaws are part of the charm.There's a beautiful pear tree in the yard in front of my door (for a great view of it from the third floor on a much sunnier day, click here.) Every time I see this tree, it makes me happy; and no, it doesn't take much, thanks. There used to be another one of these trees in that yard too, as well as an old plum tree, but they were sick and got cut down. I don't think it was Dutch Elm, but I also don't think it was bird flu, but either way, they're gone, and so my happiness is now one-third of what it once was, even though I understand why it had to happen.
I also happen to still have a slight ant problem. When I say "slight," I of course mean that they have branched out beyond my bedroom radiator. There was one particular colony that was apparently conviced that one specific plank in the middle of my hallway floor was made of sugar instead of laminate, and they had all been congregating on this one spot for close to a day, like lambs to the slaughter. I have never seen anything like this before in my life, and again, I have spent the better part of my life living at or near ground level, so I've seen some ants in my time. This afternoon I lost my patience, put on an old pair of sandals, and spent the better part of 30 minutes literally stamping out that entire colony, and then washed the floor three times and my sandals twice.
I, perhaps like you, did not think there was any relation at all between the dearly departed trees and the damn ants, until a nice lady at the yoga studio told me something interesting: It seems as though ever since the Ice Storm, when the city lost a buttload of trees, Westmount (which definitely is a neighbourhood that brings to mind wide, sunny, tree-lined streets) has become the worst part of the city to live in if you hate an ant infestation (and if you love an ant infestation, well, then, you're just a freak). Apparently when trees go away, ant populations in nearby homes increase, and I don't remember if it's simply that the ants are now homeless and moving in with us instead, or if it's something to do with breeding conditions, because by that point I was thinking "Hey! They just cut down two trees next to my house, and I don't remember having this many ants last year! I'd better be careful not to hurt myself on the giant lightbulb that just went on over my head!"
So there I am this afternoon, sandals on my feet, stomping ants and pretending to be Lucy stomping grapes, and I'm a little disgusted by this, but managing to keep my mind off it by laughing at the thought of all those rich fuckers sitting up on the top of the hill in their big fancy multi-million dollar Westmount homes with an ant problem worse than mine, not being able to pace barefoot as they ponder how to get out of paying their fair share of taxes (don't get me started), when it hits me: If they took away a pear tree and I have an ant problem now, does this mean I will have a partridge problem when Christmas rolls around?
This is not the homeless shelter for small birds, y'all. One shows up in my house, I'm cooking it, and serving it with some homemade cranberry sauce, and maybe some fava beans and a nice chianti. Let's all just pray that the last remaining pear tree is left untouched.
_________________________________
How retarded is this thing with Unicef taking away the trick-or-treating boxes? I'm sorry, but first of all, what better way to start instilling a sense of global awareness, personal responsibility and social conscience in young kids? Second, I'm not a parent myself, but from what I understand, parents shouldn't be "sending kids out with boxes of money around their necks," they should be going out with the kids, whether they have boxes of money around their necks or not. Third, "not worth the money that's raised?" Excuse me? Three million dollars is "not worth it?" Really? Why don't you ask some of those kids in Darfur, or Kabul, or Rwanda, or Indonesia, and see if they agree that three million just isn't worth it? Finally, so what if it takes "some administrators almost sometimes nearly a full day" to roll those coins - is six hours out of your entire year too much to ask for a good cause? Really? What does that teach the kids, hmm? And they're replacing it with, oooh, a bake sale? Because as it is most schools already try to raise money for themselves with bake sales, and we all know what a great success that is, and how our schools have everything they need, courtesy of the huge sums raised with 15 trays of Rice Krispie squares. I never thought I'd say this, but shame on you, Unicef, and shame on you, schools. Please, I beg of you, prove me wrong, and sell six million dollars' worth of cupcakes in one day this year. (And I say this all too often, but it bears repeating: shame on you, parents who let this kind of thing happen and teach your children apathy and selfishness.)
_______________________________
Yay!
By the time you read this, it will be illegal to smoke in bars, clubs, restaurants, or any other enclosed public space in Quebec, including enclosed terrasses, which makes me very happy indeed, and the icing on the cake is that one of my favorite local bars was just shown on the news, saying they are closing for three days to deep clean, paint, and re-upholster the place so it doesn't smell like an ashtray anymore. Maybe one day soon, I'll start going out again...
________________________________
OK, now, I don't have this down verbatim, but it's extremely close. I just heard the news anchor say: "Police are still searching for Jimmy Hoffa's body on a horse farm near Detroit. They have found absolutely no trace of it. He was last seen alive in 1970something." Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like the police might just be randomly searching this horse farm, since that was the entire story, and there was no mention of anything that would lead the police to suspect that Hoffa might be in there somewhere, and if that's the case, then it's not exactly surprising that they've found no trace of him, now is it? And frankly, I wish them luck, because if they are now just randomly searching places looking for him for lack of any credible information, it might well take until 2970something until they find anything. Just like a certain army, in a certain Middle Eastern country or two, still looking for Osama, or any WMDs.
Americans. When will they learn?
(Not you, The Penguin. You're one of us now.)
______________________________
If you missed The Daily Show Tuesday night, poke around online and get the opening segment where they talk about The DaVinci Code. And maybe also the second bit, where the guy talks about religious protestors turning up everywhere. This is why I love this show.
No comments:
Post a Comment